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续写题目It was the firstday ofour newgrade.Everyone in the classroomwas chattinghappily,excited tosee each other againafter thelong holidays.When thedoor slidopen,all ofus stoppedtalking andturned tolook.In cameour teacherMs.Sullivan,followedby anordinary-looking boy,(转校n生),“This boysname isRafael.Ms.Sullivan announced.Hes atransfer studentandhes goingto bein ourclass startingfrom today.Make sureall of you welcomehimwarmly/The classclapped.But Ididnt wantto havea secondlook atthe newcomer,for hehadno outstandingqualities consideringhis smallfigure andcasual T-shirt.“Oh,I forgotto mentionone thing.Ms Sullivanspoke up,Rafael actuallyhashearing problems.Normally hewould havehearing aidson,but hisold oneshave justbeenbroken.His doctorsuggested thathe stayat homeuntil hegot hisnew ones.However,Rafael insistedon attendinghis firstday ofschool.So ifyou wanttocommunicate withhim,you haveto writeit ona pieceof paper//(嘈杂).This singlespeech sentthe wholeclass upinto anuproar Somestudentslooked ateachotherwith expressionsof surprise.Others voicedcries ofconcern outofpity.Ms Sullivancalmed everyonedown.Id likesomeone topersonally helphim outthroughoutthe day.Do Ihave anyvolunteers“How cana disabledperson beintelligent!thought to myself.I refusedto raisemyhand,expecting someoneelse would.But nobodydid orsaid anything.Dead silencespreadacross the classroom.It wasby totalbad luckthat myeyes happenedto meetMs.Sullivans.n“How aboutyou,James Sheasked me.Is itokay foryou totake careof Rafaeljust fortodayItis difficultto refusea requestby someone,especially ifthat personis ateacher.Isighed andnodded slightly.Ms.Sullivan gesturedfor Rafaelto sitbeside meand thenaskedus to share ourholiday storieswith the class.Paragraph1:Immediately,the classbecame excited.Paragraph2:Then Rafaelrose andwalked onto the platform.续写精批-木偶的舞蹈,提线的技巧day64下面把文本分成三部分.作者原作;1错误修改(直接在原句后修改,我用绿色加粗字体标明了两段提示语,原作也进行了标
2.蓝);综合评价;参考范文(我的尝试)
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4.在各日的芭髭区内住爸」超出酒叵垃的苦茶送eM J,修改错误2Immediately,theclassbecame excited.(区分和前者及物为举起,后者不及物为升起)Everyone rosetheir hand,hoping to share theirholirdaaisyestorriieses,with us.as myclassmates sharetheir stories,Rafael nudgedme,asking ifI canwrite someinteresting contenton the paper.I wasupsetdue tothe badluck atthat moment.Instead ofreplying tohim,I tookthepaper,(此处既然分出了过pretended towrite something.After everyonewho rosethe hand去动作的先后顺序,那么在之前发生的就有必要采用过去完成式)shared thestory,theclassroom wasin deadsilence again.“How aboutyou James”I stoodinembarrassment Ididnt considerthe(尽可能不要同主语的句子连用,将其变成简化句,或者处理成人物question justthen.互动,叙事视角切换)(拼写错误)Then Rafaelrose andwalked intoontothe platform.(不能被用作连词连He sharedhis storywith us at firstTo mysurprise,then接两个完整的句子,需要在此处断开)thenhe said,,today ismy firstday atschool.I was(和如appreciated tomeet allofyou,especially myclassmates,all果不重合的话,就只能是把单独区分开了,如此发言是of否you不妥cla此ss外ma,te根s据后文可知,此处作者应该想说Ms.Sull为iva什n么不直呼其名?或者称他为)To helpmeunderstand otherstorieJsa,mheese,ven lostthe chancetosharehisdoewsknm.(at他e有机会,只是被占据了我明白作者想处理成挺身而出,但是两者之间没有任何的交流暗示出文中Ra主fa角el“我”对的做法表示感激(是模糊的意My faceblurred intored.思,一般只用来说视线R模afa糊el了)The classroomwas filledwith claps.I totballulyrregrated to(原形)thought Rafaelas before.After hewalked downthe platform,heregret todo,Jtlstretched hishand,hoping tobe afriend withme.I huggedhim tightly,asthe(再次区分和应该改成sunshine castinginto our(结尾的环境描on写to缺乏预int兆o,,或者和原o文nt的he呼d应esk,在int逻om辑y上h缺ea乏rt]铺垫desks andmy heart时,环境描写就很难衬托出主角的情感,让最后一句也就落到了空处)综合评价
3.人物塑造上作者需要时刻铭记真善美智,确保剧情中出现的每个人物,都能给读者传递
1.正能量,起码绝对不能引起读者的反感在第一段,作者就故意忽略甚至还假装写字的行为,让读者立刻就对主角产生的负面印象Rafael,作者需要明白,读后续写就是为了考察作者的思维品质,而作者笔下的每个人物自然都会被考官认为是作者本人思维品质的体现,尤其是第一人称的主角,更是这样本文中,虽然作者让主角在最后进行了反省,但在读者脑海中的伤害已经造成,挽回的并不足够记住,木偶的舞蹈反映的是提线者的技巧故事中所有的要素应该都围绕着一个核心进行这篇故事而言,就是体现出的个人
2.品质和达成融入到班集体的这个目的但是在第二段作者讲述故事的时候,却Ra没fa有el分享和假期学习生活有关的经历,而是聚焦于刚刚发生的事情,首先陈述的内容是虽然有和做引导,但实质上是有些跑题的其次,这个故事和没有丝毫关a系t,fir也st没有th解en答原文中的疑惑,“为什么要坚持来上学”最ho后lid,ay这s个故事也不符合第一段的事实,明明第一段作者的主角Ra只fa是el假装在写东西,为什么要为他说谎呢?这让读者困惑又或者作者应该写一句话解释“听到他为我遮盖Ra自fa己el的不足,我...”,但此处没有解释环境描写不能死搬硬套我非常理解作者积累了一些环境描写的句子后想要用进去的渴望
3.但是,环境描写必须得以景衬情,恰到好处它需要和谐地融入到文本当中,给人一种理所应当的感觉,或者有的时候“意料之外,情理之中”,但是不能让读者感到突兀,奇怪发生在这篇文章结尾处的阳光,就属于后者它在原文中和作者的续写中都没有出现过,导致突然就投射进来,变得让人出戏如果作者想用环境描写结尾,就要特别注意与原文的呼应,或者与作者续写部分的呼应,然后让环境在最后起到升华主题,推进剧情的效果人物的互动中缺乏心理描写的体现心理活动是能够让人物变得更加真实可信的关键,4但.是作者在文本当中能体现出心理活动的微表情和微动作描写太少比如,作者在第一段结尾处这个位置应该加一个低下头,脸红的动作”,然后把镜头转给I stoodi铺n e垫m第ba二rra段ssm第en二t,段开头,则是怎么这R个af情ae景L不够真实,也缺乏互动性加上一h个e sharedh思is考sto的ry画w面ith,u或sa者t众fir人st.都在看sh他ar的ed画面,或者他先是声音很小,然后慢慢变大的画R面a,fae立l刻就能让故事更有沉浸感Immediately,theclassbecame excited.Soon,the firststudent beganhis taleon thepodium.Everyone becametransfixed,oralmost everyonebut Rafael.In fact,leaning forward,he wastrying veryhard tocatch whatthestudent wason aboutyet insteadof sharingour laughter,there wasonly frustrationflashingpast in his eyes.I sighedand beganwriting.Seeing mynotes coming,theexpression onhis facesoftened andthen turnedinto anunmistakable grin.I felthappy.After moreexchanges,Ms.Sullivan gesturedfor Rafaeltoshare.When heturned tome,Inodded,clenching myfists underthe table.Then Rafaelrose andwalked ontotheplatform.Our eyesfollowed himlike spotlights.After lookingoutside thewindows asifcollecting histhoughts,he brokethe silence/My familyrelocated herein thesummer soIhad spentmy holidayspacking andsaying goodbyes,which wasfun ofcourse/Wechuckled.Travelling along,we becamefully enthralledinhisemotional journey.When hefinishedwith“Like puttingon theaids andhearing anew world,Im soexcited tojoin youandstart afresh.”,there wasntthunderous applausebut wavesof paperrose highin theair,reading“Hi Rafael.Welcome tothe family//。