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欲望城市(性爰专家凯莉布雷萧并且勇于发问)“高度性期望”hearts;hearts;和像柏格这般优质对象的前几次约会The onlything asdelicious asthose first few bites就像咬下特级汉堡的前几口一样美味of atruly greatburger我心里想着are those firstfewdates withsomeone trulygreat...like Berger.我要在家乡办个读书会All right,so I thought,thats cool.在第五个问题之后Ill doa bookreading inmy hometown.我发现我妈妈在刁难我Right aboutafter thefifth question,•她才没有•她有I realizedthat mymother isheckling me.去问问邦诺书店里的人-She was not!-No,no,she was!他们还在谈论这件事Ask anybodyat theDowners GroveBarnes andNoble,all right.过来They stilltalk about it.每件事都很新鲜每件事都是初体验Come here.你很喜欢你的牛肉汉堡Everything isfresh.Everything isa first.每个举动都是前戏You like your beef.即使逛家饰店Everything isforeplay.也都会成为美好的经历Even atrip toBed Bath and Beyond看不出来你喜欢鱼can become an ecstaticerrand.因为你进了鱼主题区I dont see youas afish person.鱼形肥皂鱼的浴垫Yeah,the problemwith the fish is then youre into thewhole fishtheme.我们不该期望过高You havethe fishsoap,thefishbath mat...Were aware,as smartsingle women,但现实老是会开我们玩笑that wecant expectperfection.也许一旦进入岁以后But lifestill managesto throwus curveballs.就不该再称之为约会35Maybe onceyou*reinto your mid-30s,而该改称it shouldntbe calleddating.“得之我幸不得我命〃了It should be called两人之间的问题要不是出在性爰waiting forthe othershoe todrop.*要不就是其中一人是犹太人hearts;hearts;If itsnot thesex betweenme andyou,为什么总会出现问题?then someonehas to becomea Jew.除非你的对象是绝不会出现问题的数位录影机Why isit alwayssomething不Unless yourein a problem-free relationshipwith TiVo.晚点再说No.你好No.Maybe later...走开…Ahh...hello.谢谢你Shut up,shut up,shut up,shut up.“爱在他乡”Ah,thank you.朱尔斯你在吗?Jules...你好咪咪Are youtherehearts;hearts;你总是不穿上衣就出来应门吗Hello,Mimi.hearts;hearts;热水炉坏了Do youalways answerthe doorwithout ashirt onrTheheat isnt working.所以我才找你上来好像没坏Thats whyI rangyou up.因为这里很暖和It seemsto beworking.问题出在卧房Its definitelybalmy inhere.hearts;当然No,the problemis in the bedroom.在卧房Right,of course.hearts;第二天夏洛特勇敢地前往The bedroom.约克家族从没去过的地方The nextday,Charlotte boldlywent犹太教堂where noYork hadgone before.你好The synagogue.请问犹太牧师在吗?Shalom.他在书房在里面Where wouldI findthe rabbihearts;谢谢His study.Inside.你就是犹太牧师吗?Thank you.没错Are youthe rabbi你好我是夏洛特约克Mm-hmm.我今天来是想加入犹太教Hi,my name is Charlotte York,我们没兴趣and Im here todaybecause I would like to considerjoining theJewish faith.我要告发一个没礼貌的人We*re not interested.我说我的名字是夏洛特约克Hello.I needto reporta veryrude man.I wasjust sayingthat mynameisCharlotteYork,我想加入犹太教真不知道那些人是怎么回事and Iwould liketo considerjoining theJewish...你知道我有多爱你才会决定这么做I don*t know what iswith thesepeople.I never!你知道你看起来有多性感吗?Do you know howmuch I love youfor doingthis我巴不得马上拥有你And do you knowhow sexyyou look哈利很亢奋Thats it,I have to have you immediately.但夏洛特却气愤难消Harry definitelyhad throwdown/等一下哈利but Charlottewas toothrown anddown tocare.我觉得受到你们族人的排挤Stop,Harry.那是游戏规则宝贝Im feelingvery rejectedby yourpeople.他们是故意刁难你Thats thegame,baby.■什么?-那是过程的一部分They tryto makeit hardfor you.依照传统他们要拒绝你三次-What-Its partof theprocess.以确保你是真心实意的Traditionally,they turnyou downthree times夏洛特豁然开朗to makesure youreserious.他们只是要让你知难而退Suddenly,Charlotte understood.这是他们的戒律They wereplaying hardto get.我一定可以过关的1They wererules rabbis.这种游戏我最拿手I canplay that game.没有人能拒绝夏洛特约克I inventedthatgame.No manrejects CharlotteYork!我不在乎其他犹太牧师说什么你就是我想要的人I dontcare whatany rabbisays.米兰达正打算好好地和男友You aremy chosenperson.享受另一个亲密的夜晚Miranda waslooking forwardto anotherperfect night但很不幸出现了另一个女人with herperfect boyfriend.我想我可能搞砸了But unfortunately,there was another woman.什么意思布莱迪吗?I thinkI didsomething bad.我才刚去看过他What doyou mean,Brady不孩子没事I justchecked onhim.数位录影机?No,the boyis beautiful,is fine.你做了什么?TiVo你到底做了什么?What did you do我坐在上面Exactly whatdidyou do然后就什么都没了I siton...你坐在录影机上?and thennothing.You saton TiVo它没事吧?什么都没有了你怎么能这么做?Is itokay我正准备看“爱在他乡〃的第二天早上Nothing isrecorded.How couldyoudothisThis isJulesMimi,the morningafter.在城市的另一头我躺在床上期待柏格打电话来但他却没有hearts;hearts;And acrosstown,I layin bedwilling Bergerto callme,你好which neverworks.你好是我Hello很抱歉我没有早点打来Hey,its me.我知道这是男人惯用的借口Im sorryfor notcalling earlier,但却是真的and I know this isthe same excusethat everyguy gives,有一只尺高的浣熊攻击村子but inmy case,it istrue.60我必须抓它并杀了它做成标本A60-foot raccoonwas attackingthe village,现在大家都平安无事了and I had totrap it,and killit,and stuffit连被困在树上的小女孩也是and everybodyssafe now,但我可能会感染狂犬病even thelittle Flandersgirl whowas stuckin atree.你现在在做什么?But Imight haverabies.老样子Whatve youbeen upto做纽约时报上的填字游戏找出拼癌症的方法Oh,same old,same old.hearts;hearts;hearts;hearts;你在玩纽约时报上的填字游戏?Did The Times crossword puzzle,found acure forcancer.hearts;hearts hearts;hearts;是星期一这期不是星期天的You didTheTimescrosswordpuzzle好吧Mondays,not Sunday*s.星期天的要找三个人来做Oh,okay.其中一人还要有答案才行I needlike threepeople todo Sundays,如果两个人分别在不同的床上one ofthem hasto havethe answers.也能如鱼得水I wasthinking thatif twopeople can be goodin bed在同一张床上会有什么困难呢when theyrenotin thesame bed,如果你出计程车钱我就告诉你答案how harda conversioncould itbe是吗?I have some answersif you have cabfare.甩了他Oh,yeah搞砸第一次是你的问题Dump him!搞砸第二次就变成我的问题了Fuck mebadly once,shame onyou.有这种说法吗?Fuck mebadly twice,shame onme.这是我说的Is thatthe saying我不想用了他我觉得他很棒Thats mysaying.而且我们已经过了随便甩人的年纪I dont want todump him.I think hes fantastic.想想有什么解决之道And arentwe gettinga littleold tojump tothe dump夏洛特都要加入犹太教了What aboutworking onthings我需要让男人一看到Look atCharlotte,shes becominga Jew.就会血脉喷张的款式Hi,I need something thatwill makea guycum inhis pantsas soonas明白he seesme.你都和售货员这么说吗?Got it.这里我常来他们都很欢迎我You talkto salespeoplelike that你是想特别吸引某人Imhereall thetime.They loveme.Is thisfor aspecific gentleman还是没有特定目标是生食餐厅的侍者or doyou justlook forthat generally我打算和他上床但他还不知道Its forthat hotwaiter fromRaw.我得去和他谈一谈hearts;hearts;Im sleepingwith him tonight,but hedoesnt knowit yet.不行I thinkI have to talkto him.我们其他事都无所不谈No!亲爱的性事是要做而不是要谈的We talkabout everythingelse.我不需要那个Honey,when itcomes tosex,spray it,dont sayit.我是想帮你挽救爰情Okay,that wasunnecessary.在床上只适用淫秽的语言Im tryingto salvageyour lovelife.没有酒精…我办不到The onlywords youshould besaying in bed aredirty ones.那就去喝酒想要火辣的性生活I cantdo that...without alcohol.你就得先点火hearts;hearts;Then startdrinking,because ifyou wanta hottersex life,就从…you*re going to have to turnup theheat.我不穿毛毛鞋Starting with...hearts;hearts;不是为你是为了他I dontwear furryshoes.他穿帆船鞋Theyre notfor you,theyre forhim.你确定我不能去跟他谈?He mostlywears loafers.亲爱的・・・Are yousure I cant talkto himabout it如果性趣不合Honey...If thesex isntgreat,就算说出来也没用只会更加扫兴我的意思是…it doesnthelp to say itsnot great.何况他自己一定也知道Thats usuallya downer,and bythat,I mean...他也不满意那种状况吧Plus,he must know itsnot great.天啊He cantthink this is good.难道他觉得那样很好?Oh,God!找到了Is itpossible hethinks this is good我就要这个了Here weare.我也要Oh,asamatter offact,Fm gonnatake this.鞋子要七号的No,well taketwo.hearts;那天晚上米兰达原本认为And um,these in a seven.和理想伴侣能用沟通解决问题的想法That evening,Miranda hadone ofthose regrettablediscussions受到了很大的冲击that resultsfrom thebelief thatyou andyour significantother我们已经谈过这个问题了shouldbe able to talk throughany problem.我觉得你都没听进去We havebeen overthis before.我把它关机了十分钟再开机还是没任何变化I feel likeyouare notlistening to me.很抱歉I turnedthe systemoff forten minutesand nothingchanged!我心烦意乱Im sorry.(安装手册)Im upset.我现在很沮丧我习惯回来就有东西可看Im justso disappointed.你能不能帮我解决问题?I gotused tocoming home to something.我已经试过这个方法了Cant youwork withme onthis你到底是怎么回事?You toldmetodo thatalready!和柏格共度的星期五夜晚What iswrong with you我在高级时装内穿了性感内衣Friday nightwith Berger,我觉得很棒Ihadmy sexylingerie undermy coolcouture,你穿那件衬衫很性感and I was feelinggood.你是说真的?You lookso hotin thatshirt.我们来喝点东西You beingserious现在还是欢乐时光Okay,were gonnaneedsomedrinks.冰玛格丽特买送Welt itsstill happyhour,hearts;hearts;hearts;—hearts;hearts;—hearts;-入乡随俗■好so frozenmargaritas aretwo-for-one.有了两次什么都没有的经验让我觉得买送一-When inRome.-Sure.是个好主意hearts;hearts;hearts;—hearts;hearts;2,hearts;在打了三通电话没接获任何回应之后Since wewere0for1figured two-for-one was a goodidea.hearts;hearts;夏洛特决定亲自登门拜访And afterthree unreturnedphone calls,你好犹太牧师Charlotte decidedto makea housecall.我带了两瓶酒来Hello,rabbi.I broughtyou somekosher wine.很抱歉但我先生现在不方便见你r恕我失礼Im sorry,but myhusband cantsee you now.但我认为他可以见我Excuse me,I dontmean to be rude,这位小姐…but I thinkhecan!听着我已经岁了还有生育方面的问题Miss,wha...!37我爱上了一个犹太人Look,I am37years old,Tm reproductivelychallenged.我花了年才找到这个人I amin lovewith a Jewish person,20我没时间和你们玩游戏and ittook me20years tofind him.好吧夏洛特I donthave timeto playthese games!第一课你要学会喘口气All right,Charlotte,因为今天是安息日是休息的日子you haveto giveit arest你想加入犹太教?because it*s aboutto beSabbath,the dayof rest.坐下You want tobeaJew观察Sit.学习Watch.这样是很不错Learn.但是…Oh,that isso sweet.我必须去见我男友…But actually...我可以爽约的Im supposedto meetmy boyfriend...I canskip it.过来女孩们围过来抱歉Come,girls,gather.Oh,sorry.阿们Baruch atahadonai,eloheinu melechha-olam...莎曼珊在生食餐厅准备来顿热炒Amen.欢迎来到生食餐厅And Samantha was atRaw,ready to get thingscooking.你好Hey,welcome toRaw.■我前几天来过-这种事常有Hello.只要来过一次就会接着再来-I washere the other night.-That*s whathappens.;这是金字塔式销售You comeonce andyou justkeep comingover andover.hearts;hearts;我家用的是这个Ifs apyramid scheme,this showercurtain.但我家里的那个已经长了霉Now,this one...this isthe oneI haveat home.“China”他们还以为问题出在Except onmine,Chinas coveredin mold.communism逛街购买浴帘是很私密的事And herethey thoughtcommunism was aproblem.是吗?hearts;hearts;You know,its avery intimatething,shopping forshower curtains.等我带你到寝具区你就知道了Oh,yeah当然首次的亲吻Wait tillI get you intobedding.是世上最棒的亲吻And ofcourse,thosefirstkisses晚安are thegreatest kissesin theworld.我们应赶在他们关灯前离开Goodnight.All right,we shouldget outof herebefore theyturn thelights off.店员等不及要关门我也等不及The waitstaff couldntwait anylonger,我迫不急待希望柏格在我床上浴室及其他地方and neithercould I.我可能要留下丰厚的小费I wantedBerger inmy BedBathandBeyond...immediately.不然就得留下干洗费Im eitherleaving avery bigtip我的头发or adry-cleaning receipt.对不起Ow,my hair.不我只是…Oh,sorry,is that...第二天晚上莎曼珊力邀我们到生食餐厅Yeah,no,I just...那里的气氛很热烈但食物则不然The next night,Samantha convincedus togo toRaw,让人期待我一会过来今晚快忙翻了Heres hoping.Fil bewith youin a minute.Fm gettingslammed tonight.出于某些原因老板总是让我一个人忙来忙去我马上回来For somereason,the hostesskeeps seating莎曼珊恍然大悟为什么生食运动everyone inmy section.Be rightback.如此风行Suddenly,Samantha realizedwhy theraw food movement女人不是为生冷食物而来wasamovement.她们是为了性感侍者而来Women werentthere forthe coldfood.抱歉They werethere forthe hotwaiter.抱歉Sorry!Sorry,sorry.看看谁回来了我被公事缠住了Hey,B-boy,look whoshome.谢谢你来带他Oh,I gotheld up at work.你好小宝贝Thanks forfilling in.修录影机的人来过了吗?Hi,hi,cutie.没有他们打电话来说要把时间改到Hi,cutie.Did theTiVo guycomehearts;hearts;下星期四No,they calledand saidthat theyhavetoreschedule下星期四?for aweek from Thursday.没错我试了一下A weekfromThursday它应该可以用了Yeah,but Iplayed aroundwith afew things,什么它可以用了?and Ithink itsokay now.对What doyou meanIts working我爱你我是指你修好了它Yep.梅格说它很重要I loveyou!I mean,youknow,for fixingthat.那么…Yeah,well,Magda saidit waskind ofimportant.我要走了So...有约会吗?Listen,I gottatake off.我约了人吃晚餐Hot date再见小家伙Yeah,I gotthis dinnerthing.So Ellseeyoulater,champ,all right有些东西譬如坏掉的录影机还有机会修复Some things,like abroken TiVo,但有些东西像是破碎的心canberepaired.就比较复杂了And others,like abroken heart,四小时内吃了四客没煮过的食物后are a little morecomplicated.莎曼珊和她的对手们持续进行拉锯战Four hoursand fourcourses ofuncooked foodlater,或许她们没那么好色Samantha and her competitorswaited itout.或许是因为食物太难吃Maybe theywere lesshorny.终于她们一个个地弃巾投降Maybe it was allthat roughage.还想吃些什么吗?But oneby one,women threwinthenapkin.不用了我正在享用美味的…Can Igetyouanything else蘑菇茶Oh,no,Im justenjoying mydelicious...好mushroom tea.还需要什么吗?Okay.你知道吗?Did you want anythingelse我想要一些招牌莱姆蛋奶冻You know what听起来就让人垂涎Iwouldliketohavesomeof thatkey lime custard.好It soundstoo goodto passup.亲爱的你是打了一场好仗Okay.但你没搞清楚对手是谁Honey,youve putupavery goodfight,but you have noidea whoyoure dealingwith.我要带他回家你要带招牌莱姆蛋奶冻回家Im going home withhim你的晚餐我请客and youregoinghomewith keylimecustard.今晚就到此为止如何?So whatdoyousay Ibuy yourdinner好and wecall ita night,hmm买单Okay.hearts;hearts;与此同时我终于有信心Check!;能重燃性生活Meanwhile I was finallyconfident因为我是性爰专栏作家I couldheat upmy sexlife,hearts;hearts;我的资源充沛because I wasasex columnist,而我也已烂醉如泥Iwasresourceful,我准备了东西给你and Iwas drunkity,drunk,drunk.你一定会喜欢的I gotalittlesomething for you.你看这个And youregonna loveit.准备接招吧先生Look atthat,hmm因为…因为我在里面准备了东西要给你Get ready,mister,cause…还有鞋子cause Igot somethingunder hereforyou.你等着看我穿上它们吧And thereare shoes.你还好吧?Wait tillyou seeme inthese,hmm我很好Hey,are youokay吃了一晚生食之后Yeah,Im fine.莎曼珊终于享受了狂放的一夜And aftera nightof raw food,告诉你一个秘密Samantha enjoyedan all-nighter ofraw sex.你只有岁?Can Itell youa secret12你其实不必点那些垃圾来吃Youre12我上星期二就打算和你回家了You didnthavetoorder allthat shit.你怎么现在才说害我吃了一个恶心的仙人掌到下面好好补偿我一下Iwasready togo homewithyoulast Tuesday.遵命Now youtell me.I atea fuckingcactus.Get backdown thereand makeit upto me.莎曼珊一夜激到天亮Awesome.而我和柏格却什么也没发生heartsHWhearts;我们都知道再不做就永远都没机会了Samanthawasstill having sex whenit“dawned onme thatBergerand Ihadnt.早晨的时候我已经接受We bothknew,it wasnow ornever.我可能无缘再享受情欲或是火热性覆的想法了That morningI resignedmyself tothe ideahearts hearts;that Iwould neveragain我搞砸了真糟糕have frozendrinks orhot sex.我了解I suck.This isawful!我从没这么丢脸过I know!我无意自吹自擂Ive neverbeen thisbad.但我真的可以做得更好Look,I dontwant totoot myown hornhere,all right,别人夸过我做的不错but Fmway betterthan this.我不知道到底是怎么回事Ive actuallybeen toldthat Imgood atthis.我们在其他地方都很合I dontknowwhatthe fuckis happening.现在在餐馆里Were so good everywhere else.我们是最棒的一对Would youlook atus in restaurants!我们是天作之合Were thebest!那好我们要把床弄得像餐馆一样Were thecouple youwanttobe!你还会回来吗?All right,we gottamake thebed more like arestaurant.会拿点东西来会有帮助Are youcoming back我们来谈谈吧Yeah.Grab somethingthatll help.r你那是什么?宠物吗?Now were talking,huh鞋子What doyouhavethere,a pet好吧Shoes.你先说All right.柏格万一我们在床上就是合不来怎么办?Here,and...别这么说Berger,what ifwere justnot goodtogether inbed是我不来劲No,dont saythat.•本来一切都很顺利…•没错All right,look,I choked.我还以为会很美好-We hadit allgoing on...-We did.我也想要更美好And Ithought itwould begreat.但我却不来劲And I wanted ittobegreat.And...I choked.我第二天再次尝试以为情况能改善…And thenI cameover thenextnight-是我不来劲-到底怎么回事and Ithought itwould bebetter and...我们应该是静不下来而不是不来劲-I choked.-Well,whats up我喜欢用点押韵We shouldbe smokin,not chokin*.我同意Ithinksometimes therhyme helps.这鞋子…真性感I agree.要我穿上它们吗?Boy,those aresome...very sexyshoes.好有何不可Shall Iput themon好来吧rYeah,hey,couldn thurt.撒些盐到背后去去霉气All right,um...你是想让事情变得更糟吗Here,throw someof thatover yourleft shoulder.我本来想和你谈但…Come on,youwantthings toget worse我本来想和你谈但…Iwasgonna talkto youabout it,but...这样吧Yeah,Iwantedto talkto you,but...我和你谈你和我谈Well,lets makea deal.我们应该要谈开来I talktoyou.You talktome.开诚布公We shouldbeableto talkabout thesethings.来谈吧Lets talkabout it.那天早上Well talk.另一只鞋也掉了情况还不错That morning,theothershoe dropped,and it wasn*t badat all.事实上可说是相当激情hearts;hearts;In fact,it waskind ofhot.#Give meone morechance And youll besatisfied##Give metwo morechances Youwont bedenied##Well myheart iswhere Itsalways been##My headis somewhereIn between##Give meone morechance Letmebeyour lovertonight##Check itout##Youre thereal thing##Youre thereal thing##You takeme higher##Youre thereal thing##Even betterthan thereal thing##Even betterthan thereal thing#不需烹煮因此可省去等候的时间where thescene was hot andthe foodwasnot.什么意思他们不烹煮食物?Youd thinka placethat eliminatedcooking couldeliminate waiting.所以才叫“生食餐厅〃就像是生食运动?What doyou meanThey don*t cookthe foodhere很多人为之疯狂Thats whythey callit Raw.The rawfoodmovement像史汀黛咪顺宜和我People loveit.生食到底是什么?Sting,Demi,Soon Yi,soon me.纯素不含乳制品任何食物皆不烹煮超过度Now,what israwfoodexactly48也就是说生的蔬菜Vegan non-dairy,and nothingis cookedover118degrees.有时还包括花卉So inother words,raw vegetables.你知道?And sometimesflowers.我在纽约时报上看过And youknew aboutthishearts;hearts;hearts;hearts;I reada reviewin TheTimes.园艺栏吗?听说很美味Where,inthegardening section各位皇帝是没有炉具的I heardits delicious.抱歉我昨晚睡得不好People,the emperorhas nooven!是吗你跟柏格上床「吗?Sorry.Sorry.I didntget enoughsleep lastnight.hearts;hearts;你等了多久才说出口Really Didyou finallybugger Berger我才刚想到How longhaveyoubeen waitingto saythat没错我们上床了It justoccurred tome.hearts;hearts;你现在又鼓励性交了-Yes,we finallybuggered.-Yay!hearts;hearts;那是她的第一次她真的喜欢他You realizeyoure nowapplauding intercourse琼斯你的桌子已经好了Well,it washer first time andshe really likes him.从实招来Jones,your tableis ready.挺好的So details•还不错-还不错?Um,it wasgood.我不想谈这件事-It wasfine.-Fine他不举吗?I dontreally wanttotalkaboutit.他没问题He couldntget itup.我们没有问题He couldget itup,that wasntthe...说点别的吧You knowwhat,there wasno problem.Moving on.-祝用餐愉快-谢谢怎么了?没什么大不了的-Enjoy yourmeal.-Thanks.只不过是第一次罢了What I dontwantto makea bigdeal aboutit.其他的部分都非常好It wasjust the firsttime.在餐厅用餐很愉快就像…But weresogoodeverywhereelse.接吻的部分也很棒然后…Were greatinrestaurants,it*s likepoppity poppop.到了床上…And thekisses aregreat.And then...就是没有化学反应inbed,there was...不知道怎么的there wasno sexualchemistry.他…I don*tknowwhat happened.找不到你的敏感带?He just...他知道自己在做什么Couldnt findyour clit那到底问题出在哪?He knowswhat he*s doing!就是…就是很安静Then whatare wetalking about是我就不担心凯莉It was...it wasjust quiet.如果吻得好I wouldntworry aboutit,Carrie.性爰他会一样好If thekisses weregood,hearts;hearts•我是不担心•有多安静?then thesex willeventually begood.有一度我还听到路公车-Im notworried.-How quietwas it我听到楼道里开门的声音听到街上有人MilIt wasso quietthat atone pointI heardthe Milbus.下车的声音至少有人下了车I heardthe doorsopen.I heardpeople getting off.再说到…Well,at leastsomeone wasgettingoff.欢迎光临生食餐厅And speakingof...你好Hey.Welcome toRaw.我会帮你们送上开胃小点Hello.他已经让我胃口大开We liketogetyou startedwith alittle amuse-bouche.这看起来很可口Id likehimtoamuse mybouche.这是我们的夏日蔬菜汤Well,this justlooks delicious.看到你们已经定好喝什么了Its oursummer vegetablesoup.要不你们看一下菜单I seeyou guysare setfor drinks,有没有兴趣试试今日特餐so Filgive youaminutewith themenus.我非常有兴趣And,oh,our specialstonight,if youreinterested...韭菜木瓜馅饼和绿栉瓜玉米卷饼Oh,Im extremelyinterested.我等一下要去吃披萨Leek papayapatties andzucchini enchiladas.我等一下要用纸巾擦干椅子Im gonnaneed apizza afterthis.他们的侍者好正点Im gonnaneed anapkin todry offmy seat.他们的汤正好相反That waiterwashot.这是什么?And thesoup isnot.恐怖What isthisBad,thisisbad.就像是草坪装在碗里有些东西还是要超过度才行It islike lawninabowl.48例如性爱Maybe somethings shouldbe over118degrees.hearts;hearts;好吧能不能忘了那件事?Like sexfor example.认真的Okay,can weplease forgetI saidanything还有谁有新消息?Seriously.我有把菜单放下Who elsehas news我需要你们全神贯注听我说Ido,but youregoingtohavetoput downyour menus你得杀了那位侍者才行because Ineed yourundivided attention.看看他的屁股Well,youll haveto shootour waiter.hearts;hearts;可以了吗?Will youlook atthat ass我有惊人的消息要宣布Do youmind听我说完后不要有任何反应I havesomething abit shockingtosay.因为我很满意我的决定And afterI sayit,I dontwant anyoneto react我要成为犹太教徒because Imvery happywith mydecision.hearts;hearts;什么?Im becomingaJew.你反应很大What我很爰哈利而他也爱我I canfeel youreacting.因此明天我要去见犹太牧师讨论入教的问题IloveHarry verymuch,andheloves me.这是为男人所做的很大改变So tomorrowIm meetingwith arabbi todiscuss converting.我没想到会爱上哈利Isnt thata lotof hoop-jumping fora man但我就是爱上了Look,Harry isnot whoI expectedto fallin lovewith,他让我很开心而且也很真诚but Idid.我在他身边觉得很自在And hemakes melaugh,And hesays whathe means.但你是圣公会教徒And IfeellikeIcanbe myselfaround him.hearts;hearts;他带给我的高,潮至今无人能及But yourselfis Episcopalian.heartshearts;恭喜And itis stillthe mostexciting sexFve ever had.这才叫食物Mazel tov.还有更棒的是Now,thisisfood.Mm...当我在享用这个的时候Andyouknow whatseven better我的男友正在帮我录电视节目While Imeating thisslice ofpizza,你说的是哪位男友?my boyfriendis hometaping myfavorite TVshow.数位录影机And towhich boyfriendare wereferring你用数位录影机取代史蒂夫My boyfriend,TiVo.别再提起史蒂夫Youve tradedSteve-o forTiVo.我帮他改了名就不算We donttalk ofSteve-o anymore.谁需要他Ithoughtif Ichanged hisname...有了数位录影机遇到不喜欢的Who needshim我就可以快速略过With TiVo,when theressomething I dont enjoy,I justspeed rightthrough it.-如果现实中也能这样就好了-没错他认为我会喜欢所以给了我这个惊喜If onlywe coulddo thatin life.Exactly.因此我迷上了〃爱在他乡”And hesurprises mewith thingsthat hethinks Imight like,自从有人把水蛭which ishow Igot hookedon JulesMimi.放进裤子之后我就不再看电视了I stoppedwatching television不是英国广播公司美国台的节目when peoplestarted puttingleeches downtheir pants.hearts;hearts;来自布立克斯顿的黑人男性No,no,no,thisisBBC America.和一位来自汉普斯特希斯的白人女性Its abouta beautifulblack manfrom Brixton我不知道这代表什么and awhite womanfrom HampsteadHeath,但他们之间有着强烈的对比Idontknowwhatthat meansexactly,他租住在她的帽子店楼上but apparentlytheres agreat divide.今晚他们终于要上床And herents theflat aboveher hatshop.hearts;hearts;祝他们好运And tonight,theyre finallyhavingsex.・凯莉那只是第一次-我知道Well,good luckto them.有时你总要试试看-Carrie,itwasthefirsttime.-Iknow.你试过吗?And sometimesyouhaveto workat it.我现在的对象是数位录影机Have youeverhadto workat it我和之前的情人Im datinga digitalrecording device.从没有过这样的困扰Well,I havenever hadto workat itwithsomeone Ireallylike.那你自己看着办米兰达You shouldprobably keepthat toyourself.我必须告诉你那次真的很糟Okay,but Miranda,没有…I gottatell you,itwasnot good.没有激There wasno...heartsJWhearts;反而像老牛拖车No...grrrr.No throwdown.这让我觉得很没劲It wasmorelike...a slowdown.我还以为会很刺激Yeah,and itcaught mecompletely offguard,hearts;hearts;也许这就是问题所在because Ithought itwould beamazing.你的期望过高Well,maybe thatsthe problem.难怪你会失望-What-Your expectationswere toohigh.人们不该过度渲染第一次性爰的激情Of courseyou weredisappointed.hearts;hearts;hearts1hearts;不含乳制品的纯素意大利饺就像幼稚园浆糊From nowon,people shouldtell itlike itis.tricky.在我努力清除生黄秋葵味道的同时kindergarten paste.我开始思考性期望的问题As Itried toscrub thesmell ofuncooked okraoff me,身为自觉而聪慧的单身女性I startedthinking aboutsexpectations.。