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欲望城市(性爰专家凯莉布雷萧并且勇于发问)“完美情敌”hearts;hearts;很少有事物能超过我喜欢星期天早午餐的程度你可以睡到中午ThereareveryfewthingsthisNewYorkerlovesasmuchasSundaybrunch.而且到处都还吃得到蛋Youcansleepuntilnoon通常会喝点酒andstillgeteggs anywhereinthecity.此外只有周日这一天才有Alcoholisoftenincluded withthemeal,单身女子的体育版andSundayistheone dayaweekyouget就是纽约时报的结婚栏thesinglewomanssportspages,hearts;hearts hearts;hearts;这真是让人沮丧TheNewYorkTimesweddingsection.这一页年纪最大的女人才岁Thisissodepressing.27我不想听Theoldest womanonthispageis27!我也很沮丧Idontwanttohearthat.我连咖啡都还没喝到Now,Imalldepressed至少你有男朋友and1haventevenhadmycoffeeyet.那不代表我会结婚Well,atleastyouhaveaboyfriend.那只代表有人跟我上床ThatdoesntmeanImgettingmarried.hearts;hearts;定期的性生活ItmeansImgettinglaid.我为这句话干杯Yes,onaregularbasis,noless.“直到最近这位岁的新娘Illdrinktothat.24Untilrecently,thebride,24,曾任奥美广告公司总监”hcarts;hearts;hearts;hcarts;workedasanaccountsupervisoratOgilvyMather.娜塔莎有什么魔力WhydidIcaresomuch让我每次都觉得自己矮一截?WhatwasitaboutNatasha只因为她拥有大人物还是有其他原因thatalwaysmademefeellikethecharitycase我开始思考WasitjustthatshehadBigorwasthisbiggerthanBig在纽约某些女人的存在Istartedtowonder...是否只为了让我们自惭形秽?AretherewomeninNewYorkwhoarejustthere对米兰达而言那女人是她请来的乌克兰管家tomakeusfeelbad aboutourselves你提早到了ForMiranda,thatwomanwasacertainUkrainianhousekeeper.是的早安Youreearly.这是你带来的吗?Yes,good morning!这是礼物Um,did youbringmethis让你的浴室更齐全Itsgift.-Oh!谢谢你有移动吹风机吗?Tomakeniceryour bathroom.hearts;hearts;它本来放在洗脸槽下方的Thanks.And,um...did youmovemyhairdryer在中间的抽屉Itusedtobeunderthesink.上个礼拜我帮你整理过了-Inthemiddle drawer.-Oh.不那个抽屉不需要整理Lastweek,Iorganize foryou.梅格发现了米兰达的秘密抽屉No!Thatdrawerdoesntneedorganizing!MagdahaddiscoveredMirandasgoodydrawer.我有男朋友所以我不是夜夜跟不同的男人上床Look,Ihaveaboyfriend,hearts;hearts;我有很长一段时间没有男友so,itsnotlikeImsleepingwithabunchofdifferentmen.因此我需要那玩意儿Theresoneguy,andfor alongtime,therewasnoguy,好吗andthatswhyI havetheotherthing.你喜欢这个男朋友吗?Okay是的Youlikehim,thisboyfriend你想嫁给他吗?Yes.我不知道Youwanttomarrythisman每个人都想结婚Idontknow.我已经结婚年了Everybodywanttogetmarried.28再看情况吧Iammarried28years.我不知道自己是否想结婚Well,wellsee.上帝祝福你Idontknow ifIwanttogetmarried.我不需要你的祝福我也不需要上帝的祝福God blessyou!我很满意现在的生活Idontneedyoutoblessme,IdontneedGod toblessme.这就像我雇用了我老妈Imperfectlyfinewithmylife asitis.幸好有三温暖ItslikeIhiredmymother.女人可以付钱享受一下Luckily,Manhattanhasspaswhereawomancanpaytofeelgoodaboutherself.我不敢相信她打开你的秘密抽屉每个人都知道床头柜很私密Ijustcantbelieve sheopenedyourgoodydrawer.那里面放了些什么?Imean,everybodyknows thenightstandisprivate.很平常Whatdoyouhaveinthere保险套按摩棒Youknow,theusual.hearts;hearts;hearts;...按摩油香烟Condoms,vibrator.hcarts;hcarts;乳头夹Massageoil,cigarettes.hearts;hearts;真的?Nipple clamps.不是我用的是她们Really好怪Notforme,forthem.你的秘密抽屉里面有什公?罗伯氏规则?Thatsfreakish.我没有秘密抽屉Whatsinyourgoodydrawer,RobertsRulesofOrder每个人都有Idonthaveagoodydrawer.我有秘密衣橱Oh,everybodyhasagoodydrawer.我不需要知道里面有什公Ihaveagoodycloset我也是Idontneedtoknow whatsinyourgoodycloset.乳头夹的话题今天到此为止Ditto.hearts;hearts;我不想蒸了太热了Nipple clampswillsufficefortoday.把毛巾脱掉放轻松Imnotinthemood forsteam,itstoohot.Thentakeoffyourtowelandrelax.我在这里没办法放轻松她就是一个极需要秘密抽屉的女人I...Idontfeellikebeingrelaxed in,inhere.夏洛特怎么了?Theregoesawomanwhodesperatelyneedsagoodydrawer.没什么我只是觉得热Charlotte,honey,whatswrong好…还有呢?Nothing,I,Iwasjusthot.还有…Okay.And...我觉得在公共场所裸体很不自在And...这不算真正的公共场所Imjust,Imjustnot comfortablebeingnakedinpublic.这里是女更衣室Well,thisisntreallypublic.我不是从小一丝不挂长大的Itsaladieslockerroom.hearts;hearts;hearts;hearts;我也不是Ididntgrowupinanakedhouse.我敢说她是从小丝不挂长大Well,Ididnteither.jhearts;hearts;hearts;hearts;现在她可能依然如此Ibetshe grewupinanakedhouse.甜心谁在乎别人的眼光?Shemightstillliveinanakedhouse.你不在乎是因为你的身材很完美Oh,Charlotte,sweetie,whocareshowyou looktootherwomen老天你被骗了Youdontcarebecauseyouhaveaperfectbody.夏洛特你的体态很美Oh,myGod,youredeluded.•真的吗?-真的Charlotte!Sweetie,youhaveabeautifulfigure.那为什公那个女人盯着我看-Really-Yes.好像我的大腿太粗?Thenwhywasthatwomaninthesteamroom莎曼珊一向对自己很满意lookingatmelikemythighsweretoobig.但经过分钟的按摩后她觉得更有自信Samanthaalwaysfeltgood aboutherself.80hearts;hearts;f我刚做完最激烈的按摩Butafterher80minutemassage,shefeltevenbetter.hearts;hearts;凯文有替你口交吗?Ijusthadthemostintense massage.hearts;hearts;莎曼珊的按摩也很舒服但没那么舒服Kevingoesdownonyou.hearts;hearts;Samanthaswasgood,你是认真的吗?butnotthatgood.是他棒呆了Areyouserious你应该试试Yes.Hesincredible.莎曼珊微笑着Youshouldtryhim.不过一个有秘密衣橱的女人不需要付费享受这种服务Samanthasmiledpolitely,席莉亚butawomanwithagoodyclosetdoesntneedtopayforhead.你忘了钥匙Celia...谢谢凯文-Youforgotyourkey.-Oh.然后你会觉得按摩永远不嫌多Thanks,Kevin.hearts;hearts;莎曼珊立刻开始预约Thenagain,youcouldnever havetoomanymassages.凯文下一个空档Samanthaimmediatelygotonthewait-list当晚史蒂夫不在forKevinsnextavailable appointment.米兰达只好退而求其次Thatnight,Stevewasntavailable either,soMirandadecidedtodothenext bestthing.很明显梅格不只打扫房子还帮她驱邪hearts;Apparently,Magdawasnot onlycleaning,几天后我去名牌鞋店曼诺罗布雷尼克朝圣shewasperforminganexorcism.我需要你的意见Laterthatweek,I hadareligiousexperienceatManoloBlahnik.你付不起?Ineedyourhonestopinion.需要点些什么吗?Youcantaffordthem我要一份非常丰盛华丽CanIgetyousomething不含面粉的巧克力蛋糕和一杯牛奶咖啡Illhavethatincredibly richlooking我只要一份水果盘flourlesschocolatethingand,um,acaf6aulait.你让我觉得很有罪恶感Illhaveafruitcup.不尽管叫你想吃的东西Oh,well,now youremakingmefeelbad.这家店有纽约最棒的甜点No,no,yougetwhatyouwant.Thanks.来这里就是要挥霍的Youknow,thisplacehasthebestdessertsinNewYork.我知道那就是挥霍水果的卡路里也很高Thewholepointofcominghereistosplurge.好吧你最近新看什么营养书吗?Iknow,butthatwasasplurge.Fruithasalot ofcarbs.我讨厌我的大腿Okay,isthereanewZonebookoutorsomething问题不是你的大腿亲爱的Ihatemythighs.而是你的脑袋Theproblem isnotyourthighs,sweetie.现在关于鞋子…Theproblem isyourhead.等等Now,abouttheshoes...我要穿这双鞋去参加女性艺术工作者的午餐会Holdon.它的高跟几乎足以让我Ineedthesefor theWITAluncheon.和娜塔莎面对面Now,theheelsarealmosthighenough如果她穿平底鞋的话toputme face-to-facewithNatasha,但她为什公要穿平底鞋?ifNatashawearsflats.这些行头表明得够清楚吗?Butwhywould shewearflats你想表明什么?Doyouthinktheymaketherightstatement我美丽有地位Well,whatstatementdoyouwantthemtomakeIambeautifuland powerful而且不在乎你只有岁还嫁给我前男友我以为你对你的外表没有情结25这不是情结andI dontcarethatyoureonly25and marriedmyex.而是针对娜塔莎的执着等她看Ithoughtyoudidnt haveacomplexabouthowyoulooktootherwomen.到我穿着这身Oh,no,itsnotacomplex,itsaNatasha-specificobsession.购自柏格朵夫精品店花我一个月房租的衣服和鞋子Whichwillbeoverassoonassheseesme漂漂亮亮地出现后就会结束atthebenefitlooking fabulousintheseshoeshearts;听听你的口气andthisdressIsawatBergdorfs你不必证明什么thatsgonna costmeamonthsrent.Oh,listentoyou.你漂亮聪明又风趣Youdonthavetoproveanything.而她呢?Youarestunning andintelligentandfunny.结了婚仅此而已And whatisshe就算你现在这身打扮去餐会Married.Thatsall.也依然是全场最漂亮的女人Youcould gotothatluncheonwearingwhatyourewearingrightnow为何你不能这样告诉自己?当天下午夏洛特面对她的恐惧andstillbe themostincrediblewomanintheroom.Whycantyoudothatfor yourself我真羡慕你的胸部ThatafternoonCharlottefacedherfear.同时莎曼珊已经趴了半小时Idkillforyourbreasts.想像在她身上的是凯文的脸这种力道可以吗?Meanwhile,Samanthahadspentthelast halfhourfacedown,picturingKevinsfacedownonher.可以刚刚好Isthispressure okay准备翻面了吗?Oh,yes.Thatisjustfine.当然Readytoturnovernow这样可以吗?Imostcertainlyam.可以Isthisokay这样可以吗?Yes.可以Isthisokay这样可以吗?Mmm.Yes.可以Isthisokay既然时间快到了她决定先发制人Yes.Sincetheywererunningoutoftime,Samanthadecidedtotakethematterintoherown这样可以吗?hands.显然不可以Isthisokay什么样的人会做出这种事?Apparentlyitwasnt.骚扰一个谨守本分Whatkind ofpersondoessuchathing而日.受过专业训练的按摩师Tomolestatrainedprofessionalhearts;hearts;赫莲娜美容中心是给文明人光顾的文明地方whilehestryingtodohisjob很抱歉我不能让你再回来Helena Rubinsteinisacivilizedplaceforcivilizedpeople.我必须保护我的员工Imsorry,butIcannotallow youtocomebackhere.显然她指的是凯文Ihavetoprotectmystaff.这不是我的错Clearly,shemeantKevinsstaff.我知道凯文为另一位顾客口交Look,thisisntmyfault.所以我才预约了他hearts;hearts;Iknow forafactthatKevinwentdownonanothercustomer,次周的礼拜一andthatswhyIbookedtheappointment.莎曼珊和我为文明下了定义ThefollowingMonday,Samanthaand Iwerethedefinitionof我们正式变成高贵淑女前去参加午餐会civilized.听着这是个圈套Weofficiallybecameladieswholuncheon.不实的广告以及公然歧视Imtellingyou,itwasentrapment,hearts;hearts;false你不能选择性地帮客人口交我付了钱期望得到应advertisingandblatantdiscrimination.hearts;hearts;有的服务Youcantjustrandomlygodownonone personandnotonanother.我费尽心思打扮这不是我所希望的谈话内容Ipaidgood moneyexpectingtobeeatenout.你看到她了吗?Thisisnot theconversationIwishtohaveasmymostamazingself.没有但我倒看到了温蒂瓦瑟斯坦和葛洛莉亚史泰南Doyouseeher相信我你美呆了No.Ooh,butIdoseeWendyWassersteinand GloriaSteinem.你知道吗?我相信你Well,believeme,youlookabsolutelystunning.嗨…米妮Youknow whatIbelieveyou.凯莉布雷萧小姐和莎曼珊琼斯小姐Hello,um,Mimi.我是会员只是很少参加活动...Ms.CarrieBradshawand Ms.SamanthaJones.从来没有Imamember.Ijusthaventbeentoanevent...是布雷萧ever.找到了ItsBradshaw.好吧请戴上名牌Ah!Hereyou are.去年我们和乔伊丝卡罗欧提发生一个不太愉快的插曲Okay,please wearyournametags.我不确定直接了当的措r辞跟我这套服装是否相配LastyearwehadanunfortunateincidentwithJoyceCarolOates.你好我的名字叫美女ImnotreallysuretheHello,MyNameIs...goeswiththeensemble.娜塔莎还没来Hello,myname isfabulous.你知道吗?娜塔莎不来了Oh,Natashasnot hereyet.-什么-她感冒了Oh,youknow whatNatashasnotcoming.她不想传染给大家-What-Shesgotaterriblecold,poorthing,这是你们的饮料券andshedidntwanttogeteverybodysick.我不敢相信那贱人竟然临阵脱逃Hereareyourdrinktickets.hearts;hearts;生病的是我才对Icantbelievethatbitchisano-show.我根本买不起这身行头Imtheone whossick.hearts;hearts;支票说不定会跳票IchargedanotheroutfitIcantafford,只为了证明我很漂亮probablybouncedachecktoacharity我从未觉得这么蠢justtoprove Imamazing.-我们快走吧-我付了块Ivenever feltlessso...85非喝到饮料不可-Letsjustgo,alright-Ipaid$
85.你想喝什么?Werehavingourtwodrinks.失败者加冰块?Whatdoyoufeellike饮料券给我Um,aloserontherocks.这是谁?她在我房里做什么?Gimmethose tickets.岁hearts;24好了亲爱的不要再念了Twenty-four!我喜欢他们用“直到最近”Okay,honey,no morereadingaloud.表示当她一找到灵魂伴侣Ilovehowtheysay,Untilrecently,thebride...亦即那位银行家她就辞职了Yeah,meaningshequitherjob真是够复古assoon asshefoundhersoulmate-slash-investmentbanker.“我手上带着钻戒”Itssoretro.“现在我可以停止假装在乎我的事业”Okay,Ivegotabigrockonmyfinger.“直到最近这位新娘才拥有自己的人生”Now,1canstop pretendingtocareaboutmycareer.你知道她们嫁给什么人吗?Untilrecently,thebridehadalifeofherown.名字里有罗马数字的男人Youknow whothosewomenmarry杳尔斯杜菲安德森四世Theromannumeralguys.我就说吧CharlesDuffyAndersonIV.我感觉数字越大性能力越差Dingdingding.我跟一个某某三世约会过结果他不举Ifind thehigherthenumber,theworsethesex.想像一下亨利八世有多糟糕Iwentoutwithsomebodythethirdwhocouldntevengetitup.你帮他口交他去[把你的头咬下来ImaginehowbadHenryVHI musthavebeen.hearts;hearts;1这对夫妻在一趟自行车旅行中相识Yeah,yougivehimhead,hecutsyoursoff.我勉强骑完全程Thiscouplemetonabiketour.那的男人都是同性恋Icanbarelymakeitthroughspinning,陌生人的婚姻状态竟能让女人andallthemenintherearegay.圣母玛莉亚Whoisthisandwhatisshe doinginmybedroom我其他的东西呢?ItistheVirginMary.什么东西?And wheresmyotherthing你知道的那些东西别逼我说出口Whatthing你用这名女士替换掉的东西Youknow,thething,thething.Dontmakemesayit.浴室中间抽屉吹风机旁边Thethingyoumovedandreplacedwiththislady.你把那些放在床边没有男人会娶你Inbathroom,middle drawer,nexttohairdryer.那表示你不需要他Butnomanwillmarryyou ifthatisbybed.梅格我不需要的是另外一个母亲Itmeanyoudontneedhim.我的母亲住在费城那样的距离已经够近Magda,whatIdontneed isanothermother.r我需要一个管家帮我打扫房子Ihaveone inPhiladelphiaandthatscloseenough.hearts;而且不因为我是独居在纽约的岁单身女子而批判我Ineedahousekeeperwhowillcleanmyapartment我喝咖34啡有性生活买派andstop judgingmebecauseIma34-year-old singlewomanlivinginNewYork.sexhearts;hcarts;而且享受电动按摩棒Idrinkcoffeeandhave andbuypieshearts;hearts;hearts;如果你无法接受这些andenjoybattery-operateddevices.我会另外找可以接受的管家Ifyoucantdealwiththat,我也负责一个为贫困儿童寻找良师的委员会Iwillfindanotherhousekeeperwhocan.若你愿意指导有心写作的孩子Ialso headupthecommitteetomatchmentorswithunderprivilegedchildren.那就太好了Itwouldbewonderfulifyoudbewillingtowork我写的是性爱withsomeof ourkidswhowanttowrite.hearts;hearts;他们想学这些吗?Iwriteaboutsex.描写口交Isthatsomethingtheydliketolearn,thesekidshearts;hearts;Writingaboutblowjobs andstuff我们一向需要人帮忙筹款凯莉这位是珍纳Or...Wecanalwaysusehelpinfundraising.嗨珍纳Carrie,thisisJenna.很高兴认识你Hi,Jenna.珍纳是娜塔莎的大学同学Nicetomeetyou.来告诉她你刚才跟我说的事Jenna wenttocollegewithNatasha.娜塔莎念图兰大学一年级时跟我住同一间宿舍Goahead,Jenna,tellherwhatyou toldme.有一次她和一个男孩子在公共浴室内一起洗澡Okay,well,NatashalivedinmydormfreshmanyearatTulane,而且…andonce sheshoweredwithaguyinacommunitybathroom.而且她大二时胖了十磅左右And...哇Oh,andshegained liketenpoundssophomoreyear.十磅Wow.谢谢珍纳Tenpounds.圣诞快乐Thanks,Jenna.我应该觉得好过一点?MerryChristmas.就因为六年前她有体重困扰?Thatssupposedtomakemefeelbetter这样就不错Sixyearsagoshewasacheerleaderwithaweightproblemr你不得不为她的努力而爱她Well,itssomething.莎曼珊以为说娜塔莎坏话Youhadtoloveherfortrying.Samanthathoughtawomancouldmakemefeelgood可以让我开心但那只让我觉得更难受再喝一杯?bymakingNatashasoundbad,butitonlymademe feelworse.不再喝午餐就要吐出来了Anotherdrink相信我等你今晚回到家AnotheroneandIllbealadywholosesherlunch.你会因她大学时是只肥猪而欣喜Well,trustme.Whenyouget hometonight,十磅不会让一个人变成肥猪youregonna smileaboutthefactthatshewasaporkerincollege.你就是莎曼珊琼斯Tenpoundsdoesnot aporkermake.是的我们在赫莲娜见过你是…Uh,youreSamanthaJones凯蒂莱丝莉看看这是谁Yes.Oh,wemetatHelenaRubinstein.Youre...害凯文被开除的女人Katy,Leisle,look whoshere.谢谢了ItsthewomanwhogotKevinfired.-是啊谢广-现在谁来跟我做爰Thanksalot.hearts;hearts;凯文跟你做爱-Yeah,thanks.-Whosgonna fuckmenowhearts;hearts;看来我不是那些Kevinfuckedyou从事艺术工作者的女性所需要的会员TurnsoutIwasntthekindofmember当晚在她一尘不染的公寓thosewomenintheartsreallyneeded.hcarts;hcarts;米兰达知道她做对了And thatnightinherspotlessapartment,为了她的床头柜力争到底Miranda knewsheddonetherightthing梅格意识到虽然纽约的单身女干从不烤派takingastand becauseofhernightstand.有时候她们会“做人”Magda realizedthatwhilesinglewomeninNewYorknevermakepies,几周后我收到女性艺术工作者协会寄来的一封信theysometimesmakeguys.是娜塔莎亲笔写的感谢函AcoupleofweekslaterIgotsomethinginthemailfrom WomenInTheArts.游戏结束了Itwasathankyouforattending,signedbyNatasha.我必,须接受事实人生中有些女人就是比较出色Gameover.买再多鞋或不吃甜食Ihadtoacceptthefactthatinlifesomewomenaresimplybetter,hearts;hearts;或自己烤派都改变不了andnoamount ofshoesorlackofpastry我永远当不成拥有一头秀发ormakingofpieswillchangethat可以穿白色衣服而不沾上污渍Iwillneverbethewomanwiththeperfecthair担任委员会主席写感谢函的女人whocanwearwhiteandnotspillonit...我不能因此不开心andchaircommitteesandwritethank-you notes.“抱歉我无法出席”And Icantfeelbadaboutthat.(拼字错误我不属于他们的)SorryIcouldntbetheir.THEIR但这点却让我乐不可支T-h-e-i-r!米兰达她结婚是件好事ButIcouldfeelgoodaboutthis.那女人是白痴Hello-Miranda...itsagood thingshegotmarried.hearts;hearts;如此心烦真是令人惊奇Thewomansanidiot.Itsamazinghowupsetwomencanget-那是什么•没什么overthemaritalstatusofstrangers.-让我看看-没什么好看的-Whatwasthat-Nothing.你说谎的技巧真差-Lemmesee.-No,nothingtosee.映入眼帘的是那张偶尔熟悉的脸孔Oh,youresuchabad liar.只是正式宣布他结婚了And then,therestheoccasionalfamiliarface.我的薯条怎么还没来?Well,itsofficial.Hesmarried.没关系好吗?Wherearemyhomefries无所谓Its,itsfine,alright我已经有心理准备了Itsfine.他们在饭店举行过订婚派对Iwaspreparedforthis,guys.hearts;hearts;有时候订婚也会变卦He...Theyhadanengagementpartyattheplaza.这次没有我们聊别的吧Butsometimesengagementsbreakoff.但为何它像个短篇故事?Thisonedidnt,letsmoveon.为何不能只发个公告?Ijustdontunderstandwhytheirweddinggetstobelikeashortstory.接着会如何?拍成电影版?Whynot justanannouncement这很无聊不值一看Imean,whatsnextBigandNatasha,TheMovie这种故事任何人都能当主角Itsfluff,itsP.R.任何要结婚的人Anybodycanbethestory.这就是我讨厌周日时报的地方Anybodywhosgettingmarried.我又买不起乡村别型See,thisiswhatIhateaboutTheSundayTimes.hearts;hearts;hearts;hearts;你想租录影带吗?ThisandallthecountryhousesIcantafford.So,youwanttorenta movieorsomething夏洛特我没事我不会割腕自杀No,Charlotte,itsokay.我只是觉得你可能需要人陪Imnotgoingtoslitmywrists.你知道吗?我想一个人静一静Iknow,Ijustthoughtyoumightwantsome company.好KnowwhatIthinkIwanttobealone.-那我把报纸带走-别这样好吗?Alright.我知道你要做什么你不可能不看它-Imjustgonnatakeyourpaper.-Wouldyoustop你会哭得很惨心情恶劣Iknow whatyouregonnado.Imean,youcantnotreadit不如现在就看把这件事解决And youregoingtocry,and itsgoingtobeawful,“这对夫妻在巴黎的圣路易岛相识”so,letsjustreaditnow andgetitoverwith,okay真有创意他们在巴黎坠入爰河Thecouple metinParisonthele Saint-Louis“我独自在餐馆Oh,howoriginal.TheyfellinloveinParis.侍者送来一瓶比诺瓦红酒”I wassittingaloneatacafewhenthewaiter“是吧台的英俊男子所赠broughtoverabottleoftheirfinestpinotnoir新娘说她的棕眼闪掘光芒”fromaveryhandsomemanatthebar,“当我们喝完那瓶酒我知道我想要嫁给他”thebridesaid,herbrowneyessparkling.拜托你喝醉了而他乂有钱Bythetimevvefinishedthewine,IknewIwantedtomarryhim.这篇报导写得真烂Oh,please.You weredrunkandhewasrich.“他们在新娘父母位于南安普敦的庄园完婚”Thisisjustbadjournalism.Marrytheydid,yesterdayinSouthHamptonatthebridesparents*estate.“只邀请了名宾客”50“我们希望气氛亲密融洽只有家人和挚友在场Therewereonly50guests.以及纽约时报Wewantedtokeepitintimate,shesaid.Justfamilyandclosefriends.hearts;hearts;hearts;hearts;还真亲密呢Yeah,andTheNewYorkTimes.这篇文章从头到尾都没提到大人物的名字Really,howintimateisthat娜塔莎主导一切而他只是奉陪下场Youknow whatIdonthearBiganywhereinthisarticle.“新娘手捧马蹄莲系着红丝带”Natashascallingtheshotsandhesjustalongfortheride.那倒不错Thebride carriedcallaliliestiedwitharedribbon.“当她缓缓步上红毯”Well,thatsnice.“萨克斯风开始演奏当男人爱上女人”’And asshewalkeddowntheaisle,真是俗气asaxophoneplayed,WhenAManLovesAWoman.不这就是大人物的风格Well,thatstacky.天啊…No,thatsBig.真想丢进壁炉烧个精光Jesus.他不适合你WhatIwouldntgive foraworkingfireplace.我知道不是因为他Hewasnttherightmanfor you.是整个婚礼Iknow that,Iknow,itsnot him.还有她…她Itsthewholewedding.你知道她实在…And itsher.Its...her.Her!Youknow,shesjust...她有一头闪亮的秀发穿着有晶味…薇拉王的礼服而我是跟阴卜茎植入手术广告放在一起的性爱Youknow,shesshinyhair,stylesection,VeraWang,hearts hearts;专栏hearts;hearts;and Im,youknow,thesexcolumn hearts;大人物不是唯一毅然投入新生活方式的人在家hearts;theyrunnext toadsforpenileimplants.中独当一面超过十年之后Bigwasnttheonlyonetakingtheplunge.米兰达展开一段新关系...早安Aftermorethanadecadeofdomesticindependence,Miranda hadfinallyopenedherselfuptoarelationship...她请了一位清洁女工早梅格Goodmorning!你知道咖啡杯在哪里吗?...withacleaninglady.我把它们移到这里了Oh,goodmorning,Magda.Doyouknowwherethecoffeemugsare看现在所有杯子都放在一起了Ah,Imove themhere.我想那样比较有条理SeeNow,allglassesaretogether.你知道吗?Oh,sure.Iguessthatmakesmoresense.我总习惯用以前法学院的马克杯喝咖啡Um,youknow what因为它比较大而且…Ialwaysdrink mycoffeeoutofmylawschoolclassof90mug我一向如此becauseitsbiggerand...我带了一些草本茶来ItsjustwhatIalwaysuse.茶对你的身体比较好Ibringyouniceherbalteas.非常谢谢你但我比较喜欢喝咖啡Teaisbetterforyou.射谢1Oh,thankyouverymuch,butIprefercoffee.我怎么会有一根面棍?Thankyou.这是给你用来烤派的女人烤派是一件好事WhydoIhavea rollingpin你有一根面棍吗?Itsforyoutomakepies!Itsgoodfor awomantomakepies!-我身上?-在你厨房Doyouhavearollingpinhearts;-认真的吗?-我把烤箱当成储藏室-Onme-Inyourkitchen.我的清洁女工带了一根给我她不敢相信我竟然没有-Areyoukiddingme-Iuse myovenforstorage.Okay,mycleaningladybroughtmearollingpin.-我不敢相信你竟然有清洁女工-别再说卜.去ItwaslikeshecouldntbelieveIdidnthaveone.我已经够有罪恶感了她在家时我不想回去-Icantbelieveyouhaveacleaninglady.-Oh,dontevenstart.我觉得如果我在家我就应该打扫Ifeelguiltyenough.或烤派据她所说女人就该做这些Ihatebeinghome whensheshome,becauseI feellikeif你从哪里把她找来的?Imhome,Ishouldbecleaning.时光锦囊?Ormakingpies,becauseaccordingtoher,thatswhatwomendo.我知道我不需要自己烤派Wheredidyoufindthisperson,inatimecapsule我是一家律师事务所的合伙人Iknow!I dontneedtomakepies.如果我想吃派我可以用买的Impracticallyapartnerinamajorlawfirm.hearts;hearts;我觉得我需要小一号的尺寸IfIwantpie,Icanbuyit!hearts;我帮你拿衣服递给我就行了Youknow whatIthinkIneedthisinasmallersize.你不必…Um,Illgetitfor you,justhanditouttome.凯莉?Theresnoneedfor youto...她就站在我面前大人物的太太Carrie身高五尺十英寸的她And thereshewas,Mrs.Big.嗨…娜塔莎Allfive-foot-tenofher.我听说…我看到…Hey,hi,Natasha.恭喜你…结婚Um,I,uh,Iheard,well,I read...这是米兰达我们在逛街Um...Congratulationsonthething,onthewedding.-你好-很高兴认识你Um,thisisMiranda,shesshoppingwithme.你身上那件衣服很漂亮-Hi.-Nicetomeetyou.你这么认为?Thatlooks,uh,nice,that,um,whatyouhaveonthere.我得为我筹办的Youthink“女性艺术工作者”的午餐会买一件礼服Yeah,I,uh,needsomethingforthishearts;hearts;WomenInTheArts我是执行委员会主席luncheonIhelpedorganize.真的吗?我是会员Imonthesteeringcommittee,so...你知道我写作所以我也算是女性艺术作者Oh,reallyImamember.每年我都会去参加午餐会…Because,youknow,Iwrite,soIamawomaninthearts.穿着衣服去Igotothatluncheveryyear...这久说你会去了?inclothes.是的我会去So,youregoingthen太好我们到时候见Uh,yeah,yeah,Imgoing.r好Great.Illseeyouthere.我的天Alright.现在我找不到邀请卡Oh,myGod.r你干嘛说你会去?And now,Icantfind theinvitation.我感觉有点欠她的我跟她见过两次面Well,whydidyoutellheryoudgo一次头戴牛仔帽一次只穿着内衣BecauseIhaveadeficitnow.Ivetalkedtohertwice.我简直像个该死的暴露狂OnceIwasinacowboyhatandonceI wasinmybra.我只想让她看看我正常的模样ImlikefreakinAnnieGetYourClothesOn.只有正常吗?Iwould just...Iwould likehertoseemelookingnormal.最好是艳光四射Justnormal但不是刻意打扮而是亳不费劲地散发魅力Okay,yes,Iwould prefertolookamazing,我懂了大人物也会去吗?butnotlikeImtryingamazing,justeffortlesslystriking.不这是女性艺术工作者餐会Isee.And willBigbeatthisevent跟大人物无关是因为娜塔莎No,ifsaWomenInTheArtsluncheon.为了一个女人这似乎太大费周章ThisisntaboutBig,itsaboutNatasha.r你能帮我查到时间和地点吗?Okay,butitseemslikealot oftroubletogotoforawoman.当然可以不只如此我还会陪你一起去Canyoujusthelpmefindoutwhenandwherethisstupidthingis这么说你支持女性艺术工作者了?IcandobetterthanthatImcomingwithyou.我支持你亲爱的Oh,so,nowyousupportwomeninthearts该给那些臭娘们一点颜色瞧瞧Isupportyou,and,honey,当晚我翻遍衣橱却否决了每一件衣服thesebitchesneedtobe putintheirplaces.我为什么这么在意?Thatnight1modeledmyentirewardrobeinmyheadandvetoed everything.。